Your Money Or Your Life Jack Benny

Being Jack Benny

Your Money Or Your Life Jack Benny I had no idea why everyone thought Jack Benny was the "cat's pajamas, " but when my parents tuned in their Philco television to his show on Tuesday nights and I saw the laughter he generated, I soon became enamored with the thought of being a comic.

By listening closely to the dialogue, I tried to figure out what all the yuks were about. There was something about Jack being cheap. "Pitching pennies like manhole covers, " was the term my parents used to describe it. Being a second grader, I was puzzled by some of the humor.

"Hey Dad, what's the deal with Jack Benny being so cheap?" I asked.

"That's part of his schtick, " he said.

"What's that mean?"

"That means it's part of his act."

"Kind of like what Batman does when he kicks someone in the face?" I asked.

"That's right."

"Why does Phil Harris slur his words?"

"I think he drinks too much coffee."

"How does that little skinny guy, Dennis Day, sing with such a big voice?"

"How the hell do I know? Watch the show!"

After the show ended, I went to my bedroom and began to devise my routine. I would emulate Jack by using some of his wisecracks about being cheap. Before I would practice my act on someone, I would drink several cups of coffee with hopes of slurring my words like Phil Harris, and then alternately sing like Dennis Day.

My audience for my first act would be my best friend, Mark Zeego.

"Hey Mark, how 'bout I come over after school and practice my comic act on you?"

"What comic act?" he asked.

"When I grow up, I'm going to be a comedian like Jack Benny."

"You're killing me. Are you serious?"

"I'll be over at four o'clock. Tell your mother we need some milk and cookies, but then she needs to go shopping afterwards. I don't want anyone around in case I flop."

"I can't tell my mother to leave the house."

"That's okay-we'll practice in your bedroom."

When class finished, I ran home and changed into my play clothes. I waited for my mother to go into the bathroom and quickly guzzled two cups of muddy, black coffee left over from the morning percolator.

"Mom, I'm headed over to Mark's house to play for awhile."

"Be back for dinner."

Walking down the street, my head began to spin. I broke into a trot. Knocking at the front door I greeted Mrs. Zeego. "Hi, Mrs.Zeego, I'mheretoseeMark, " I blurted out.

"Slow down son, I can't understand a word you're saying."

"Hi, Mrs. Zeego, I'm here to see Mark."

"That's more like it. Come on in."

I was directed to Mark's bedroom. "I don't want any funny stuff from you guys today-you understand?"

"Yes ma'am."

Mark opened the door. "Come on in, I already have the milk and cookies. How come the pupils of your eyes are so small?"

"I don't know. Forget about that and sit down." I took a pack of baseball cards from my pocket and held them in my hand. "Pretend that you're a crook and you're trying to rob me. Tell me, 'Your baseball cards or your life', in a threatening manner."

"Your baseball cards or your life, " Mark said, pretending to hold a gun on me.

I said nothing.

"Your baseball cards or your life, " he repeated.

Silence.

"Answer me!"

"Give me time-I'm thinking about it, " I said.

I had seen Jack use the gag many times and it always provided a laugh. In his case, it was always "your money or your life."

Mark began laughing so hysterically that he began to choke. I slapped him on the back, but he slumped over and fell to the floor. "C'mon, Mark, this isn't very funny." I looked at his eyes, but they were blank. He had passed out.

By Gary O'Callaghan - Born in Chicago, and graduated from Elmhurst College with degree in Political Science. Thirty years in industrial sales, and author of four published books. Over 300 articles published on Associated Content.

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